Back? Still fucked in the head!

What the fuck am I doing? I was supposed to do great things. Memorable things. When I was a kid, I truly believed that I could be anything that I wanted. I grew up. Now I am here and doing this. I provide people with clean dishes. Clean fucking dishes. I don’t matter in the grand scheme of things and this bothers me. I don’t matter and this is not how it should be. It should have been different. Growing up was supposed to be different. I know for damn sure that it wasn’t supposed to be me spending my days at the same bar every night doing the same shit every single day. Completely unable to attain what I truly want. Completely unaware of it in fact. Do I want the girl? Do I want the career? Do I want the ability to express myself? To be understood? To die? I don’t know and this scares me above all else.

Tonight I encountered and dealt with many situations which caused me look at myself through a different spectrum. This is quite normal for me. Every look at myself is a look from a different angle. I am always unsure of where the truth ends and where the fantasy begins.

I am in love which isn’t abnormal for me. As a Hank Moody’s father once put it, “There isn't a woman that I've met that I haven't fallen in love with, whether for 10 minutes or 10 years.” I am afraid. Thrilled. Happy. Sad. Every emotion at once. I want it to work out, but I fear what may come. I am afraid.

I may also be suicidal or at least have very little in the caring about whether I live or die department. A simple twist of fate. Of choice. I was crossing the street to my apartment. I saw a car coming at me going at least 30 mph. It turned. If it had kept going straight I truly felt that I would have jumped in front of it. I sit here and still shake. Still wonder. Part of me wants to believe that I was joking while another part fears the truth.

Drunken Ramblings of an Awkward Soul

Sat at a bar Sunday night, drinking whiskey while listening to live music. Found my mind wandering. Wrote down my thoughts. Felt it would be interesting to compile them into a post. Could become a regular thing. I am inside my head quite a bit, but I never reflect on what I am thinking or feeling. I sweep it away to some dark corner of my mind and naively hope that this rids me of them for good.

Sunday, March 14 11:08 PM
Ice Cube Inventor
Brewing beers and assorted liquors
Stilted life still life
Oils perfunctory
Alone in a Crowd
Luck of the Ire
Spilled drink/broken Glass
Creative lost, never found
Jealousy
Envy
Awkward Conversations
Diseased mind
Short stories
Get it out
Sickness on paper


Sunday, March 14 11:11 PM
Something oddly relaxing about sipping whiskey and listening to music. Nostalgia passed through the generations? Simple human pleasures. Both aural and oral wrapped into one satisfying activity.

Sunday, March 14 11:18 PM
Relationships have always been a weird thing. You give to get. It seems selfish in the end. Am I giving to give or giving to get in return. Cynical to a tee and manipulative. I've treated relationships like a game without realizing that there in no structure. No structure. I can't predict it. Failure.

Sunday, March 14 11:22 PM
Humans are social creatures. Fact. Why do I rarely feel this particular urge common to us all? Here I am amongst people, but feel no urge to converse. Understanding must come first? Will I ever understand enough to feel at ease?

Sunday, March 14 11:24 PM
Am I creative? Cannot help but feel that I mimic rather than create. I played an instrument by reading sheet music. I drew by copying what I saw. Can I create?

Sunday, March 14 11:28 PM
Why am I so secretive? Can't help but think that I enjoy being mysterious. What else do I have to offer besides the mystery of who I am. I know exactly who I am and will never tell.

Sunday, March 14 11:36 PM
Passivity is my mortal enemy.
Clowns come second.
Zombies round out the list.

Sunday, March 14 11:43 PM
Touching is a weird thing for me. I dislike it SO much for the most part. Maybe its the whole emotional connection thing that bothers me. I like to keep emotions at a distance and touching disturbs this. There are exceptions. Special people.

Sunday, March 14 11:46 PM
Becoming emotionally attached to people scares me. Sometimes I wish that I never opened up. Me a year ago was oddly content. Serene even. Me now is up and down. Are the ups worth the downs? I like to think so. Hope so. Wish so.

Sunday, March 14 11:47 PM
I project an aura of indifference. I can come off as dismissive of others. Appearances often hide the truth. I am within myself so much that I often forget about the outside world. I feel. I remember. I take it all seriously. I don't show, but I care.

Sunday, March 14 11:59 PM
Something in the air. Desperation? Everyone is desperate for something. What do I want most of all? A brain? Have one though the quality is suspect. Heart? I feel in my own way. Courage? Bullseye.

Any Less Impressive?

When I can't get myself into the creative mood while drawing, I often look at someone else's drawing and just copy it. Allows me to practice my drawing skills while exploring new styles. I sometimes feel that this is cheating in a way though. If I show someone one of these drawings, should I preface it by saying that its a replica? Does that make it an unimpressive feat. No idea.

Yes, I am Tall, some might say Huge....or Have Said

To everyone out there in the world. I am 22 years old. I have kind of noticed at this point that I am very large. I really don't need you pointing it out to me. Comments such as "Whoa, your tall" are some of the hardest to figure out how to answer. There is no question there. No jumping off point for conversation. Just a random and completely obvious observation. What am I supposed to say to that? Such an annoying thing.

Nothing makes me happier than a sad clown...

My life can best be described as a constant struggle against my own inherent laziness and complete lack of motivation. I enter periods in my life where I'm so focused on a single objective only to be distracted and thrown off course by the most inconsequential activities. I look back on the past few years and feel a tangible weight to the amount of time that I wasted on the most trivial things. How much time did I waste playing World of Warcraft? Halo 2? Browsing the Internet? I then see that I'm "wasting" my precious time by dwelling on the past and begin to realize how futile it is to think of time as something that can be wasted. Every experience in my life has shaped who I am as a person, no matter how insignificant it may seem. Out of the billions upon billions of possible outcomes, this is the one that stuck and rather than feel that my time has been wasted, I should take it all in as a learning experience.

Learning from past stupidity to prevent future stupidity. I like the sound of that.